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    Crotchety Old SMOD

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    FujiFilm

    This will be the OP in an ongoing thread of kick-a$$ movie reviews by the one and only King of Sting, Mr. Please, Please, Please himself...Fuji Vice. Oh and as per Ed's request, here is a current list of those rare films that have received the illustrious 10/10 rating from myself in the thread. I will update it as I review more of those films, so keep an eye on this original post from time to time.

    Predator
    Total Recall
    Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins
    Terminator
    Terminator 2: Judgement Day
    Dark Night of the Scarecrow
    Vertigo
    The Goonies
    The Breakfast Club
    The Warriors
    The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
    John Carpenter's The Thing
    The Empire Strikes Back
    The Godfather
    The Godfather Part II
    The Shining
    Dead of Night AKA Deathdream
    Die Hard
    Platoon
    Jaws
    Psycho
    Dawn of the Dead
    Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

    Index

    84 Charlie Mopic

    Abraxas - Guardian of the Universe
    The Abyss
    Adventures in Babysitting
    Alien
    Aliens
    Alien³
    Alien: Resurrection
    AVP: Alien vs. Predator
    AVPR: Aliens vs. Predator – Requiem
    American Psycho
    An American Werewolf in London
    Another 48 Hours
    Antiviral
    Apollo 18
    Armageddon
    Army of Darkness
    The Artist
    The Asphyx
    Assault on Precinct 13

    Basket Case
    Bates Motel
    Batman Begins
    The Bay
    The Beast Must Die
    Beetlejuice
    Bereavement
    Beverly Hills Cop
    Big Trouble in Little China
    Birdemic: Shock and Terror
    Black Swan
    The Blair Witch Project
    The Blob (1988)
    The Blues Brothers
    Body Puzzle
    The Boogeyman
    The Book of Eli
    The Breakfast Club
    The 'Burbs
    The Burning

    Cannibal Holocaust
    The Cannonball Run
    Cannonball Run 2
    Captain America: The First Avenger
    Carlito's Way
    Casino Royale (2006)
    The Changeling
    Children of the Corn
    Child's Play
    Child's Play 2
    Child's Play 3
    Chopping Mall
    Christine
    Christmas Vacation
    Chronicle
    The City of Violence
    Cliffhanger
    Cloverfield
    Cocoon
    The Colony
    Commando
    Conan the Barbarian
    Conan the Destroyer
    The Corridor
    Creepshow
    Creepshow 2
    Crocodile Dundee
    Cube
    Curse of Chucky

    Damien: Omen II
    The Damned United

    The Dark Knight
    The Dark Knight Rises
    Dark Night of the Scarecrow
    Dawn of the Dead
    Day of the Animals
    Day of the Dead
    Dead Alive
    Dead of Night
    Death Proof
    Deep Blue Sea
    Deep Rising
    Deep Star Six
    Devil
    Devil's Due
    Diamonds are Forever
    Die Another Day
    Die Hard
    Die Hard 2
    Die Hard: With a Vengeance
    The Dinosaur Project
    Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
    Don't Look Now
    Drive
    Dr. No

    Eaten Alive
    Elephant

    Escape From New York
    Event Horizon
    The Evil
    The Evil Dead (1981)
    Evil Dead (2013)
    Evil Dead II
    The Ewok Adventure: Caravan of Courage
    Ewoks: The Battle for Endor

    Fatal Games
    A Fistful of Dollars
    The Fly
    For a Few Dollars More
    For Your Eyes Only
    Four Flies on Grey Velvet
    48 Hours
    Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare
    Freddy vs Jason
    Friday the 13th
    Friday the 13th Part 2
    Friday the 13th Part 3: 3D
    Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter
    Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning
    Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives
    Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood
    Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan
    The Frighteners
    Frogs
    From Russia With Love
    The Funhouse

    Ghostbusters
    G.I. Joe - The Movie
    Girls Nite Out
    Glory
    The Godfather
    The Godfather Part 2
    The Godfather Part 3
    Godzilla (Part One) | (Part Two)
    Goldeneye
    Goldfinger
    Goodfellas
    The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
    The Goonies
    Graduation Day
    Grave Encounters
    Grave Encounters 2
    Grizzly

    Halloween
    Halloween 2
    Halloween 3: Season of the Witch
    Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers
    Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers
    Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers
    Halloween: H20
    Halloween: Resurrection
    Happy Birthday to Me
    Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone
    Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
    Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
    Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
    Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
    Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
    Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1
    Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
    Hell of the Living Dead
    Hellraiser
    Hide And Go Shriek
    House
    House II: The Second Story
    The Howling
    The Hunter

    I Am Number 4
    The Ice Pirates
    Incident at Loch Ness
    Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
    Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
    Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
    Inferno
    Inglourious Basterds
    Innerspace
    Insidious
    Insidious: Chapter 2
    Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956)
    Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)
    IT
    It's Alive

    Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer
    Jackie Brown
    Jason Goes to Hell
    Jason X
    Jaws
    Jaws 2
    Jaws 3-D
    Jaws: The Revenge
    The Jewel of the Nile
    John Carpenter's The Fog

    The Karate Kid
    Kill Bill Vol. 1
    Kill Bill Vol. 2
    Kingdom of the Spiders

    La Casa Muda
    Lady Terminator
    The Last Broadcast
    The Last Starfighter
    Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III
    Leprechaun
    Leviathan
    Licence to Kill
    Live and Let Die
    Live Free or Die Hard
    The Living Daylights
    Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
    Looper
    The Lords of Salem

    Madman
    Malevolence
    Maniac
    Mannequin
    Man on Fire
    The Man With the Golden Gun
    The Masque of the Red Death
    Maximum Overdrive
    Megan is Missing
    Men at Work
    Miller's Crossing
    Monkey Shines
    The Monster Squad
    Moonraker
    Mr. Mom
    The Mutilator

    The New York Ripper
    Nightbreed
    Night of the Living Dead
    A Nightmare on Elm Street
    A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge
    A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors
    A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master
    A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child
    Night of the Comet
    No Country for Old Men
    No Holds Barred (Part 1) (Part 2)
    Nosferatu the Vampyre

    Octopussy
    The Omen
    Omen III: The Final Conflict
    On Her Majesty's Secret Service

    Paranormal Activity
    Paranormal Activity 2
    Paranormal Activity 3
    Pieces
    Pin...
    Piranha 3DD
    The Pirates of Penzance
    Pit and the Pendulum
    Planes, Trains and Automobiles
    Platoon
    Point Break
    Police Academy
    Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment
    Police Academy 3: Back in Training
    Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol
    Predator
    Predator 2
    Predators
    Pretty in Pink
    Prince of Darkness
    Profondo Rosso AKA Deep Red
    Prometheus
    Psycho
    Psycho (1998)
    Psycho 2
    Psycho 3
    Psycho 4
    Pulp Fiction
    Pumpkinhead
    Puppet Master
    Puppet Master II
    Puppet Master III: Toulon's Revenge
    Puppet Master 4
    Puppet Master 5: The Final Chapter
    The Purge

    Q: The Winged Serpent
    Quantum Of Solace

    Raiders of the Lost Ark
    Rampage
    Raw Deal
    Real Genius
    Red Sonja
    Reservoir Dogs
    The Return of the Living Dead
    Return of the Living Dead Part II
    Revenge of the Nerds
    Rise of the Planet of the Apes
    Robocop
    Romancing the Stone
    Rosemary's Baby

    Scarface
    Scarecrows
    Scream
    Scream 2
    Scream 3
    Scream 4
    The Secret World of Arrietty
    Se7en
    Shark Attack 3: Megalodon
    The Shining
    Shutter Island
    Silent House
    A Simple Plan
    Sixteen Candles
    Skew
    Skyfall
    Slaughter High
    Sleepaway Camp
    Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers
    The Slumber Party Massacre
    The Slumber Party Massacre 2
    The Slumber Party Massacre 3
    Snatch
    The Spy Who Loved Me
    Squirm
    Stargate
    Starman
    Star Trek: The Motion Picture
    Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
    Star Trek III: The Search for Spock
    Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home
    Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
    Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country
    Star Trek: Generations
    Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace
    Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones
    Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith
    Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope
    Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back
    Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Jedi
    The Star Wars Holiday Special (Part 1) (Part 2)
    Strangers on a Train
    The Stuff
    Summer School
    Super 8
    Suspiria
    The Swarm

    Tales from the Darkside: The Movie
    Teen Wolf
    Tenebre
    The Terminator
    Terminator 2: Judgement Day
    Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines
    Terminator Salvation
    Terror Train
    Texas Chainsaw 3D
    The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
    They Live
    The Thing
    The Thing (2011)
    Thir13en Ghosts
    This is England
    Thunderball
    Titanic
    To Live and Die in LA
    Tombstone
    Tomorrow Never Dies
    Trading Places
    Transformers - The Movie
    Transylvania 6-5000
    Troll Hunter
    Tron: Legacy
    True Grit (2010)
    Tucker & Dale vs. Evil

    UHF

    V for Vendetta
    Vertigo
    V/H/S
    V/H/S 2
    The Video Dead
    A View to Kill
    The Ward
    The Warriors
    The Way
    Wes Craven's New Nightmare
    When A Stranger Calls
    When A Stranger Calls (2006)
    Wimbledon
    Witchfinder General
    The Wolverine
    The Woman in Black
    The World is Not Enough

    X-Ray
    Xtro

    Young Guns
    You Only Live Twice
    Your Vice Is A Locked Door And Only I Have The Key

    Zombie
    Last edited by Fuji Vice; 01-31-2014 at 09:39 AM.

  2. #2
    Crotchety Old SMOD

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    FujiFilm


    Zombi 2 AKA Lucio Fulci's Zombie AKA Zombie Flesh Eaters


    A boat floating in the New York harbour yields a grisly discovery, a zombie, which promptly attacks the harbour patrol who find it. It turns out the boat belongs to Anne's father, a scientist who is working in the Antilles. Anne enlists the help of intrepid reporter Peter to help her travel to the islands and find her father. Along the way they meet up with another couple who offer to aid them. Upon arrival they find something horrible, an unspeakable disease that is slowly turning all the inhabitants into flesh eating monsters.

    Lucio Fulci has a reputation as one of the goriest horror film directors of all time and his penchant for blood and guts is imprinted everywhere in this film. He is also well known in the horror genre as a director who often goes over the top in search of new and unique ways to gross out or scare his audience. This may be his best film in this regard as he pulls out all the stops and really lets the blood flow.

    Fulci uses the island to his advantage, making it appear extremely claustrophobic. Our heroes have nowhere to run to and nowhere to hide as zombies swarm them at every turn. The great, minimal music score by Fabio Frizzi is fantastic and really adds to the element of terror that we are experiencing as viewers. The actors, while unheralded, do a serviceable job of making us believe they are scared and in danger. Of course, as I stated before, Fulci pulls out all the stops here including...

    An underwater zombie vs. shark fight! As if I needed any more reason to recommend this movie. Of course this is one of the most iconic scenes in any zombie film and it actually comes across really well considering how cheesy it could have ended up. This would definitely be the defining image from this film if not for....

    Yes, this woman has her head slowly pulled towards a nasty looking, splintery shard of wood before it pierces her eye in agonizing detail. Absolutely classic Fulci here as he treats his characters as nothing more than fodder for his twisted visions. This scene alone makes the film worth watching as it is something I have never seen done quite right since.

    When Zombie was released in theatres, some handed out "barf bags" due to the excessive gore and violence. Obviously this is the greatest tribute Fulci could have every hoped for and I am sure it made him chuckle with the exuberance of a child. The bottom line here is that if you've ever been interested in Fulci and haven't had the chance to see any of his work this is the best place to start. This, coupled with the fact that it is simply an awesome zombie movie makes it a must watch in my book. 8/10.
    Last edited by Jim; 07-14-2012 at 05:33 PM.

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    I've said it before, but thanks to hearing about the slow eye poke, I held off on watching this movie for a few years before finally finding the courage to watch it.

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    Crotchety Old SMOD

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jim View Post
    I've said it before, but thanks to hearing about the slow eye poke, I held off on watching this movie for a few years before finally finding the courage to watch it.
    It really is quite gross but virtually impossible to turn away from. Fulci does a lot of stuff like that but this one is the cream of the crop for sure. I'll be doing a couple more of his films in the next few days for comparison.

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    I love the effect though. With how slow it is, the drama is intensified by the second. However, once the actual penetration occurs, I'm just laughing at how awesome it looks.

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    Crotchety Old SMOD

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jim View Post
    I love the effect though. With how slow it is, the drama is intensified by the second. However, once the actual penetration occurs, I'm just laughing at how awesome it looks.
    Yeah, it's almost as if the penetration point is the release where the audience can sit back and go "whew, I'm glad THAT's over".

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    Re: Movie Reviews - See A Movie, Give A Review

    It may just be the anticipation is worse than the actual event.

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    Crotchety Old SMOD

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jim View Post
    It may just be the anticipation is worse than the actual event.
    Isn't that always how it is?

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    Crotchety Old SMOD

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    The New York Ripper

    A man out walking his dog makes a grisly discovery in the park, a human hand. Meanwhile a killer is stalking the streets of New York, his only MO is that he talks like a duck and he likes straight razors. Can burned out Police Lt. Fred Williams put the clues together to find the killer before his masterpiece is complete?

    Continuing with the Lucio Fulci love from my previous review I am looking at one of his more vicious giallos. This film takes brutality to new heights with a couple of extremely sadistic scenes. It is also a film that features a heightened and overt sexuality. Fulci once again uses his actors as nothing more than pieces of meat to be chopped up and butchered the way he sees fit.
    Of course it wouldn't be a Fulci film without a little close up eyeball violence now would it? The film moves forward at a brisk pace and doesn't let up until its conclusion, which is somewhat bizarre and a little disappointing considering the build to it. That being said it is certainly an interesting little slasher and miles ahead of what the big American studios were churning out at the time. I was most impressed with the cinematography of Luigi Kuveiller (also known for shooting Argento's Deep Red and Andy Warhol's Blood for Dracula) as shots like this really make a bold statement...

    The New York Ripper may not be the best slasher/giallo you'll ever see but it is highly original, violently over the top and beautifully executed. If that's not enough to get you to watch it then I don't know what is. 7/10.

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    Crotchety Old SMOD

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    Hell of the Living Dead AKA Virus AKA Night of the Zombies


    An accident at a top research facility in Papua, New Guinea leads to all the staff being turned into flesh eating zombies. A crack commando team is sent in to investigate and turn up more than they bargained for as it appears the entire country has been infected. Now, with the help of an intrepid reporter, they must try to get a warning out to the rest of the world, which won't be easy considering there's a zombie around every corner and sometimes death is just a moment away.


    Bruno Mattei AKA Vincent Dawn has given us some truly memorable underground films including Rats - Night of Terror, Cruel Jaws and Violence In A Woman's Prison. Known affectionately as the Italian Ed Wood because of his use of stock footage and borrowed soundtracks, no film is a better example of his work than this zombie piece from 1980. While he may not have been the most technically proficient director, Mattei still manages to craft a decent work considering the limitations of his cast, crew and budget. Also, its another one of those zombie movies that features...

    That's right, zombie kids. I mean nothing says horrific like having to put down a child before they climb up your arm and rip the flesh from your neck with their teeth. Anyhow, that aside there are some decent zombie kills in this film which helps because there really is no plot at all. That, coupled with the overuse of stock footage (did we really need to see those birds the 37th time?) and the use of the soundtrack that Goblin did for Dawn of the Dead (not just in snippets, I mean whole freaking songs) brings the overall rating down.

    There are definitely some gory scenes in this film as it appears that Mattei was trying his best to top Fulci and Romero in the blood department. Unfortunately for him it would appear that it would have been better to focus on the storytelling, but would you expect anything less from a man who directed a film called Porno Holocaust? The acting here is atrocious and sometimes characters do things for absolutely no reason. In fact, there's a scene in a house towards the end of the film where the entire commando unit has a collective brain fart and forgets how to fight! Perhaps if they had been thinking properly they could have avoided this...

    In retrospect, this movie is pretty awful and nowhere near the classics that Romero and Fulci gave us in the previous couple of years. Based on the sub-par acting, the awful dubbing and the absolutely unbelievable soundtrack ripoff I'm going to recommend avoiding this unless you are a zombie film fanatic. Then you kind of have to watch it for the sake of being a completist. 4/10.


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    Crotchety Old SMOD

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    Your Vice Is A Locked Door And Only I Have The Key


    Oliviero is a struggling writer and an alcoholic who lives in an old and decaying mansion with his wife. He passes time by having lavish parties and debasing his wife in front of his guests. After his mistress is found dead he becomes a suspect in the murder. Following this he returns home to find his maid dead as well. He decides to hide the body in an attempt to avoid the police, but will they eventually cast their suspicions on him anyways? And what is up with his cat, Satan?


    Winning a nomination for longest and most pretentious title EVER is Sergio Martino, director of this little Giallo gem from 1972. Believe it or not, he actually followed this one up with a film called “The Bodies Bear Traces of Carnal Violence” in an obvious attempt to top his title here. Anyhow, Martino is one of the more unheralded Italian horror directors but certainly deserves to have his name mentioned in the same breath as Bava, Argento or Fulci. He is blessed here with strong performances from his leads, Luigi Pistilli and Anita Strindberg, as well as Edwige Fenech (who, as usual, spends most of the film in extreme states of undress). In fact, she even shares a lesbian love scene with Strindberg which of course makes this an ABSOLUTE classic as opposed to just classic.



    Clearly we need to be seeing more of things like this in the movies right? Martino directs the film with a deft hand and draws it towards its inevitable conclusion (if you’ve read Poe you know what I’m talking about) with very good pacing. The soundtrack by Bruno Nicolai is nice and understated and really adds to the overall enjoyment of the film. As an obvious tribute to “The Black Cat” (it’s even stated so in the opening credits) it is quite well done and I believe it to be better than Argento’s version in “Two Evil Eyes” and Lucio Fulci’s version from 1981.



    “Your Vice Is A Locked Door And Only I Have The Key” may not be the best Italian Giallo out there but it is by far one of the most distinctive. The acting, direction and story all come together to create a unique harmony not often seen in these films. The suspense is top notch and the atmosphere is second to none. Sergio Martino is certainly a director to check out for anyone who is interested in exploring some of the more well put together Giallo’s of the 1970’s. Recommended. 8/10.
    Last edited by Fuji Vice; 04-07-2011 at 07:27 PM.

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    Dark Night Of The Scarecrow



    Bubba Ritter, a mentally challenged man with the heart and mind of a child but the strength of a bull befriends a small girl named Marylee. Soon he turns up at her house holding her, a bloody mess, in his arms. Four of the local men in town believe Bubba to be responsible and take it upon themselves to hunt him down. They finally corner him in a field, finding him hiding in a scarecrow outfit. They shoot him multiple times, killing him. Soon they discover that Marylee was actually attacked by a dog and was saved by Bubba. Otis, the leader of the men, puts a pitchfork in Bubba’s hands to make it look like he attacked them. After the men get off on a self-defense plea they begin to see a Scarecrow in their fields…and it’s not standing still.


    What can I say about Dark Night of the Scarecrow? It is, quite simply, one of the greatest horror films of all time and absolute proof that you don’t need blood or guts to make an effectively scary movie. Director Frank De Felitta works with a phenomenal cast including Charles Durning, Larry Drake, Lane Smith and others. The face that it is a made for tv movie speaks volumes to how good it is considering its probable budget and rating restraints. Never before have I seen a film create such tension without the need of anything more than a little well timed music and some atmospheric photography.


    There are some excellent kills here including a creepy death in a grain silo bit that Witness blatantly lifted from them 4 years later as well as a nasty plow chase through a cornfield. Although we do not see any real violence, the implication is there and more than once I found myself genuinely creeped out. The story centers on the revenge taken upon the four men who killed Bubba while the inherent themes of morality and prejudicial justice are on full display. I cannot say enough about this fantastic film and I give it my highest recommendation. If you haven’t seen this, get the hell off your couch and get to it!! 10/10.
    Last edited by Fuji Vice; 08-14-2011 at 10:29 PM.

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    Pieces


    A teenaged boy is scolded by his mother for putting together an x-rated jigsaw puzzle, so he promptly hacks her into bits. Forty years later a serial killer in Boston has targeted a University, stalking and killing women and stealing body parts from the corpses. Can grizzled Lt. Bracken, pretty undercover agent Mary Riggs and dashing student Kendall be able to put all the "pieces" together and stop the killer?


    Yes indeed, you DON'T have to go to Texas for a chainsaw massacre as the title card proclaims, you can have one of your own in Boston. One of the gorier horror films released in 1982, Pieces has a reputation as also being one of the worst. This has a lot to do with the uncharismatic performance of Christopher "I Can't Act" George and his wife Lynda "I'm Even Worse Than Him" George. In fact, she is so embarassed by her marriage to him that she uses her maiden name of Lynda Day in the credits! Nevertheless this film does have its moments including...


    Wow, now THAT'S a lot of blood. Well when the plot and the acting suck go with what you know. Pieces is one of those more bizarre films that actually beg to be watched because of their inanity. When our "heroes" aren't almost getting killed by their target they are off wasting time doing things like playing tennis and having sex on waterbeds that are conveniently located in classrooms in the college...where do I enroll? However our intrepid director decides that we need to go back to basics so....


    That had to hurt. Now I'm not going to ramble on about how bad this movie is because I think that my comments above already explain that. Rather I would like to point out its good qualities. Well, its got some good kills, some tense moments in an elevator scene and at least several buckets of blood spilt throughout the proceedings, so hey, it could be much worse. It also gave us this absolutely brilliant moment in cinematic history, an acting tour de force from Lynda Day (George)....


    If that isn't the greatest single performance in the history of cinema I'm not sure what is. I invite discussion on this matter immediately. Regardless of all its flaws I still feel the need to recommend Pieces because of its eccentricities and because Christopher and Lynda George need more fans. You can almost always find this film on those 20 Horror Classics for $4.99 DVD's which act as lining for discount bins across the world. If you do, I would suggest grabbing it and giving it a watch because hey, its only $5 and that is so worth it. 5/10.
    Last edited by Fuji Vice; 04-09-2011 at 09:36 PM.

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    Squirm


    A freak storm rips through the town of Fly Creek, tearing forests to pieces with powerful lightning strikes. The lightning is so intense that it brings all of the worms in the town to the surface and turns them into violent flesh eating monsters. Now the locals have to figure out how to survive an enemy that outnumbers them by the millions and how to escape the crawling terror that lurks everywhere.


    To put it mildly, most people find a single worm gross. The people responsible for making this film decided that using tons of them would make it that much grosser. Unfortunately for them gross does not equal good in terms of this film's quality nor it's box office take. What Squirm does do right is create an, at times, atmospheric and tense setting for our characters to perform in. Too bad none of the actors in this film are actually up to the task. Indeed the most memorable performance in this film is from R.A. Dow as Roger, for this one shot.....


    Alright, so the makeup/sfx people actually deserve MOST of the credit on this one. One of the most unintentionally hilarious scenes in this film to be sure. Another one would be a scene where one of the lead characters is taking a shower. When she turns the faucet on, worms come out of the showerhead and when she quickly turns it back off they get sucked back up. Huh? How does this happen? Well to be quite honest, attempting to use logic to justify anything in this film would be a colossal waste of time. Let's just chalk it up to nobody working on it knowing what the hell they were doing.


    There is really only one halfway decent scene in this film, an all out worm attack (which actually looks more like linguine being dropped from the ceiling) where our heroes are trapped in a house. Actually, now that I think about it, that scene was pretty crappy too! Holy crap did this movie suck! That being said it is definitely worth a watch provided you have some sarcastic friends and copious amounts of alcohol on hand. DO NOT WATCH THIS FILM SOBER...IT WILL KILL YOU! 2/10.

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    Crotchety Old SMOD

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    Abraxas - Guardian of the Universe


    Abraxas is an alien bounty hunter who is sent to Earth in pursuit of former colleague and friend Secundus. It appears that Secundus is in search of the co-mater, which would give him the ability to rule the universe. He impregnates an Earth woman and now only has to wait for the child to develop his powers. Can Abraxas save the woman and her son while putting an end to Secundus' diabolical plan?


    Jesse Ventura gets his first, and amazingly enough last, starring role in this incredible piece of crap from director Damian Lee. I am going to go on the record right now and say that this is hands down the worst movie I have ever seen. That being said it is an absolutely hilarious piece of cine-trash that totally begs to be watched by MST3K fans everywhere. Words can't even begin to describe the joy that you will feel while making fun of this turd. Let's start with the casting decisions. Who in their right mind thought Ventura could carry a film by himself? Oh yeah, the same people that though this guy would make a suitable "foil" for him...


    Yep, that's Sven Ole-Thorsen, best known for playing minor characters in 80's Schwarzenegger action films (Conan the Barbarian, the Running Man and Predator to name a few). While Sven may be great in delivering priceless lines like "I've got to score some steroids" (from the Running Man) he is clearly outmatched in acting ability by both his flannel shirt and the no smoking sign in the background of this shot. Sven rambles on about searching for the co-mater while hitting lines like "are you a birthing member of the human race?" and the absolute classic "I'm looking for a man...a WO-man!". No, I am not making any of this up. Of course the best is yet to come as after Ventura meets up with the mother of the child he decides to tell him a story about two men who used to be partners, and he decides to do it like this....


    Storytime in bed with a bare-chested man that you just met? Well this movie clearly just hit the Arabian Heights of insanity. Seriously? What the hell was the director thinking? Of course this is the same man who gave us the "gems" Ski School and Gnaw: Food of the Gods II, so should we really be expecting much more than this? The film plods along with a guest appearance by James (According to Jim) Belushi, who has clearly destroyed all prints of himself in the film since I can't find a shot of him anywhere! Ventura also gets a chance to throw his hat into the bad lines competition with the wonderful "my box has VD". Again, you CANNOT make this stuff up. He also tends to make this face quite a bit, some method acting from Mr. Ventura I believe...


    This is the poster image for the Constipation Society of America. I'd also like to point out that the film features not one but two scenes of Ventura and Thorsen fighting it out while some kind of soft modal jazz plays in the background AND the hideous song during the final sequence of the film which thankfully ends our misery as the credits roll. But wait, there is one final defining moment yet to come in this film as even the credits have something great to offer. Earlier in the film (and I am seriously using that word loosely), Secundus shoots up a convenience store, a scene which features several slow motion shots of Pepsi bottles being destroyed. During the closing credits, in the acknowledgement section, the producers thank Coca Cola as a sponsor!!! So Coke actually gave this movie money to destroy Pepsi...brilliant!!! Writer/Director/Actor Damian Lee has the final word...


    "I take full responsibility for this turd and will gladly have my scrotum electrocuted non-stop until I promise never to make another film ever again".

    Abraxas is clearly the type of film that only bad movie lovers are going to be into, but for those of you willing to give it a shot, you will be gladly rewarded by being able to tell others that you too have seen the glory of Abraxas. With its horrible acting, inane plot (the co-mater angle is never clearly explained), brutal direction, random violence against Pepsi, strange pedophilic undertones AND a guest appearance by James "The Principal" Belushi, what more could you ask for? Well, just about anything really. 1/10.

  16. #16
    DD Touches my privates

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    I haven't seen the last two that you have reviewed Fuji, but I am going to check them out now. Great reviews.

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    Crotchety Old SMOD

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    Quote Originally Posted by Troy View Post
    I haven't seen the last two that you have reviewed Fuji, but I am going to check them out now. Great reviews.
    Thanks man, if you love bad movies you're guaranteed to love these!

  18. #18
    DD Touches my privates

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    I watch my fair share of bad movies and usually end up liking them lol

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    Crotchety Old SMOD

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    Quote Originally Posted by Troy View Post
    I watch my fair share of bad movies and usually end up liking them lol
    Well let me know what you think after seeing them. Oh, and try not to watch them back to back, no man deserves that kind of torture!

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    Shark Attack 3: Megalodon



    Two researchers discover a giant shark tooth off the coast of Mexico. Apparently this tooth belongs to the Megalodon, a prehistoric shark up to 75 feet in length long thought to be extinct. Unfortunately for them and everyone else the beast is very much alive...and hungry. Now they have to find a way to stop the ultimate killing machine before it consumes everything in its path...including them!


    Ah yes, THIS movie. This wonderful movie. Nothing quite warms my heart like the tender thoughts I get when reflecting on this wild attempt at filmmaking. What was great about Jaws? Well for starters there was some top notch acting, a fantastic script, excellent soundtrack, brilliant tension and an understanding of when and where to use your shark to provide maximum effect. To say that this film has none of that would be an understatement. In fact, they don't even have an actual shark or shark dummy so they rely solely on stock footage (some of you who have read my reviews know how much I love that). However they don't JUST use stock footage...they insert actual footage into it, allowing us wtf moments like this....


    "Oh the shark has pretty teeth dear". Seriously, this shark is so badass it just swallowed an entire boat whole! The best part about this shot is that it is nowhere near the most inane thing in the film, it barely scratches the surface. It seems like every other scene in this film involves some kind of stock footage shark, some loud grunting noises and people screaming. I'm pretty sure the plot has something to do with a corrupt official not wanting people to know that a shark is in his waters as it will affect his tourism industry, but really who is paying attention when you have incredibly dramatic scenes like this....


    Sorry about having to go to YouTube, for some reason they wouldn't let me embed that clip, but seriously, has anyone ever heard a line delivered with as much gravitas as John Barrowman delivered that one? Seriously, that is probably the single greatest line in the history of the universe and a surefire winner of the "you'll get a drink in your face if you try this line at any club ever" award. Of course that is just another of the magical moments that this film provides us. In fact, one would probably define it as the true highlight of this film if not for....


    "Oh yeah" as the Kool Aid Man would say, you can just cut tension like that with a spork. I know I've been rather critical of films in past reviews but believe me, this is definitely the worst of the bunch. Hands down, the absolute worst film ever made (even beating the horrible Troll 2) and a genuinely great experience for bad movie lovers like myself. For its horrendous dialogue, completely tepid acting, pointless script and pedestrian direction as well as the all time record for most stock footage used in a film I crown Shark Attack 3 winner of the first negative star review I have ever given a film...and THAT's a GOOD thing!! -10/10.
    Last edited by Crocker; 04-23-2011 at 12:10 PM.

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